Mary Sue Goes to Cape Suzette: a parody
by Joe Cloudheart
Summary: A parody of bad fanfics in general, but especially bad Talespin fanfics


Mary Sue Goes to Cape Suzette by Joe  
  
  
  
Once upon a time there was a radiant woman named Mary Sue. All the boys always loved her, but she craved adventure in her bland small town with white picket fences and children playing kick-the-can, so one day she decided to leave her life of working at her uncle's produce store so she could head out for more adventurous pastures. She was a female vixen with long, shiny, lustrous, blindingly beautiful dark hair that hypnotized the local male population. She was also artistic, yet physically strong, noble, and full of all those principles that will immediately endear people to such a bright young girl.  
  
When she arrived in Cape Suzette, she marveled at its towers and businesses and eating establishments with poorly paid help. She toured the streets and took pity on the less fortunate, and decided that she would do the noble thing and become something special, because special people were paid attention to, and then she would never risk becoming gutter trash. What a marvelous plan it was!  
  
At this point, she saw a striking fox stealing fruit and vegetables from a local stand. Her first instinct was to turn him in because she was so noble and pretty. Tossing a wave of hair back, she stormed up to him, but he fled the scene of the crime. Chasing him with her runner's legs (she'd won awards for running in high school) she cornered him, and lo and behold, he was handsomely elusive! She could barely form words, he was just that handsome. After exhanging pleasantries, he somehow convinced her to go out on a date with him. How is not important.  
  
At the resterant, he paid for the bill with a large wad of cash from a wallet she was pretty sure wasn't his, unless his name was Imelda Gafartinshtinky. But the food was delish, and he was so handsome. She still had all her principles though, and she only was hanging around him because she was sure there was some mystery she could solve by doing so. Otherwise, she wouldn't be getting any of the adventure that she had come here for!  
  
So, after this, they strolled away from the hugeass bayside resterant. He elegantly kissed her hand, and then a couple of thugs showed up. He immediately took action and knocked two of them out by bashing their heads together and then took out their leader by eyeing him severely and asking him if he knew who he was. Taking out his huuuuuuge sword, which Mary Sue gaped at with awe and delight and awe, her new beau frightened off the huge assailant, who ran away screaming.  
  
They talked for some time about how his nature belied his apparent reputation, and then he revealed that he was the Dread Pirate Don Karnage! Oh my goodness! Mary Sue didn't see that coming from a mile away. What to do? She was convinced that he was a good person. But he must be doing something awfully big if he was in Cape Suzette, so she decided to say she was okay with it in the hopes of finding out if there was anything big he was planning and then interfering with it like an appropriate ninny.  
  
Meanwhile, in the peaceful slumbering business of Hire for Hire, Becky Cunningham was looking for paper clips, and doing business type things that we don't need to discuss because that might require some type of research, and Kit was playing with, oh, say, some model airplane or something. Molly and Wildcat were off somewhere else entirely and will be forgotten about entirely for the remainder of this episode. Baloo was snoozing contentedly.   
  
Suddenly, a ravishing woman came into the office, attracting all of their attentions.  
  
"Hello," she said in her quaint folksy charm. "I'm Mary Sue, and I'm in desperate need of your help."  
  
"What can we do for you?" asked Becky.  
  
"There is this wonderful man but he is a pirate and I'm afraid he is going to do something awful in the city with his big gun or his big sword," said Mary. "I just don't know what I can do, as I am a woman and I am ever so dainty." With that, she fainted. Upon waking, she found that the Higher for Hire crew had made her a four course dinner with all of the fixings including roast turkey with radish rosettes, corn fritters, Waldorf salad, and hors d'oervres. Sipping her tea daintily, she explained that she cared for the pirate, but felt obligated to seek the help of others, and who better than a cargo company? It made perfect sense!  
  
"Of course it does," said Becky. "And we happen to know Karnage."  
  
"We also happen to want to kick his ass," said Kit.  
  
"Kit, you shouldn't say words like 'ass'," Mary Sue said, correcting him. "And you shouldn't slouch. It is bad for your posture."  
  
Kit nodded in agreement. "Yeah, I guess you're right Mary Sue. Gosh you're swell."  
  
So then it was set, and the Higher for Hire crew was going to help her win the hearts of everyone in the city for defeating the pirate who she still yearned for like a rose losing its petals in the wind during a beautiful sunset on the beach with children playing frisbee on the sand.  
  
"I know!" she thought, getting an idea. "You guys can pretend to be frisbee salesmen!" Mary said, brilliantly. And thus began the beginnings of her remarkable plan.  
  
Karnage had great plans, but he wouldn't reveal them all to her, as he wanted a girlfriend that he could show off so much of the time. Even though she was very smart, Mary Sue didn't want him to know that so much so she tried walking around as pretty as she could and wore mod's clothing, with sparkling red sequens that brought out the sparkling endless enchantment of her eyes.  
  
Suddenly, there was a knock on the secret factory's door.(they were in one, by the way, making things for their big pirate plan) Standing there were Becky, Baloo, and Kit, but all in frisbee salesmen costumes. Kit was dressed as a frisbee and Baloo wore a mustache and suit and Becky had her hair up in a bun and also wore a mustache. And all the pirates bought it even though they'd seen these people a million times. It wasn't so much they were dumb, so much as Mary Sue's plan was THAT brilliant.  
  
So the H4H crew distracted Karnage, and Mary was able to sneak past all the pirates into the room where the very top secret plans were. "Oh my gosh!" she said, realizing what they were planning.  
  
The pirates were busy playing frisbee, just like she'd planned, so Mary Sue kissed Karnage while the H4H crew snuck out with the plans and information she handed them.  
  
"Well I guess I'd better be going back to my hotel. I have to talk with my parents and decide what college I'm going to attend, and what my internship will be," she said. "Of course, I always get perfect grades so I can attend any college I want." All of the pirates nodded in great satisfaction because they were all really impressed.  
  
So meeting up at Higher for Hire, the new friends talked about the big important secret: the pirates were planning on turning everyone in the city stupid with something they called Project Mayhem. Their plan was to use a grammar ray from Outer Space, or perhaps through magic (one of those, I guess, hee hee, you decide!! ^_^ *~~*~kisses~*~~*)  
  
"We've got to stop them!" said Kit. "But how?!"  
  
"Hmmm..." thought Baloo.  
  
"What if we contacted the police?" said Becky sensibly.  
  
"They'd never react in time!" said Mary Sue. "No, we must handle this ourselves. Besides, we're too late!" and with that she turned on the radio. Every announcer was talking hickese.   
  
"Ya'll are listenin' to the radio. Jus' git to yer porch and listen and take yer shoes off fer a spell..."  
  
"Oh no! NOOOO!" said Becky. She was upset, because she liked good grammar.   
  
"They're turning everyone into hicks! What do we do?" Kit intonated.  
  
Mary Sue worked up all her courage and instinctual brilliance and came up with a plan. Tomorrow they all got up early and took the plane (that yellow one...I can't remember the name of it, but it was pretty! Hee hee. **smiles** ^_^)  
  
Flying over the city, they saw the pirates zapping people with their grammar ray. It was horrible. People were becoming slackjawed left and right and no one was reading. Instead they were all going into movie theaters to watch really stupid movies that no one in their right minds would want to waste time seeing. While everyone got dumber from lack of sentence structure and tense, the pirates took advantage of the situation and began looting stores. Except bookstores...those remained pretty empty. Except for a huge line of people buying "Slander" by Ann Coulter. (in bookstores now, oh yee-ay) who were all stoic and you could barely tell they were alive. They looked like rejects from a bad zombie film. (or they were just plain zombies, but anyway, I digress).  
  
So the pirates were zapping people with their grammar ray, and Mary Sue used all of her magical powers to make a glowing ray of light all around her. Kit surfboarded over the clouds in an attempt to throw books and pamphlets from the Green Party all over the city. People began to blink and twitch and make movements again. Other people who had taken to mudwrestling and monster truck rallies, also blinked and looked up at the miraculous stream of information falling from the sky. They repeated this process until Mary Sue was able to use her POWERS COMBINED! Then, Mary Sue, because she was also respectful of Mother Earth and the environment, showed the Higher for Hire crew the joys of recycling and so they used all of the cardboard boxes they'd used for shipping things and instead of throwing them away they got recycled which is good. Thank goodness Mary came their way!, thought Kit and Baloo and Becky and Karnage, even though he was somewhere else.  
  
Karnage was having a good time because he had so much jewelry and so much money and gold. But what could not replace all of those things for the world were his feelings growing deep within his heart for Mary Sue. Where was she? Why could she not be here with him? His heart yearned for her like a violin playing sad songs in the rain, during a night with a full moon and children playing frisbee on the beach.  
  
The pretty yellow plane with Kit and Baloo and Mary Sue and Becky finally landed and then glowingly Mary rose her arms up towards the sky and summoned the GRAMMAR FAIRY!!! The grammar fairy came down to earth.  
  
"I am the GRAMMAR FAIRY!" she said with a boom-voice. "I have come to save this city of this terrible fate of DOOM!"  
  
"I'd like to see her destory me," said Maddog. The grammar fairy rose up one of her hands, and a ball of light came down and left Maddog a steaming pile of rubble with scorched clothing remnants.  
  
Then all of the pirates ran away and she zapped them one by one with electricity running from her wand, and lightning! And balls of energy (just like Goku on DBZ...he's my sweetheart!!! Aregato! **~~*~kisses~*~~* ^_^ Aaaah! Goku is so KAWAII!!!)  
  
So then some Super-Sayans showed up and they were all pummeling people with their ray guns and balls of energy blasts.   
  
"KAAAAY-OOOOOOOH-KAAAAAAAAAAY"went Goku! And he smashed the Iron Vulture into fiery tidbits and it exploded and made a huge explosion sound that echoed throughout the city like a bunch of ships in Star Wars that blew up (C'mon you know you saw that movie...it was so KEWL!! ^_^) And then Karnage was very sad.  
  
"How could you do this to me Mary Sue...I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!!!!!"  
  
"I DO LOVE YOU!!!!" she said back to him, with tears running down her cheeks like rivers and waterfalls on a moon-filled night in the Carribbean where there is a lot of water just like there was on her face.  
  
"THEN WHY? WHY???" he asked.   
  
"BECAUSE I HAD TO YOU LEFT ME NO CHOICE!11!!!1!!!" she said, very emotionally.  
  
"I don't care what you say," said Karnge getting out his sword. Apparently the grammar ray had hit him in his name as well. (noooooo! I know, but it ends happy! Don't worry!!! ^_~)  
  
And then Karnage ran and got out his secret secret weapon which was another big ray gun...(it was just like the one from Star Wars, the one that was like a cannon!!!)  
  
And then he shot a bunch of buildings.  
  
"No! NOOO!" said Mary Sue. "You can't! You are a good person, I know you are!" But then Karnage turned his gun and killed many kids and parents walking or running down the street. Many were horrified who saw people dying and couldn't believe Karnage would do that! But he did and then he laughed and got all sad (just like Anakin, I know!)  
  
Mary Sue knew she had to find the self destruct button. She had memorized all the plans to the weapons and began to throw herself toward it but Karnage got angry and tried to stop her but she threw herself toward it anyway and he accidentally jammed his sword through her.  
  
"NOOOOOOO!" screamed everyone like Kit and Baloo and Becky and Karnage.  
  
Mary Sue touched the self destruct button and the countdown began.  
  
"No! The only girl I ever loved and she was so good!" said Karnage. How can this be? I am horrible and deserve to die!"  
  
Suddenly the Grammar Fairy showed up.  
  
"Help her!" said Karnage.  
  
"Uh...I only help people with like, spelling and stuff," she said, getting uncomfortable. Why was *she* sticking around anyway? Having completed her work and restored literacy to the city, she waved her hand and disappeared in a flash of light.  
  
"HA ha!" some kid laughed from afar. Karnage left her bloody body on the gun and ran far away after kissing her passionately like a red rose exploding from its stem and blowing in the wind and being swallowed by a dove which is the bird of love.  
  
Then there was another explosion and Mary Sue died but she saved everyone.   
  
"YOu!" said Kit. "YOu killed Mary Sue! You are bad and I have had enough!"   
  
"Wait, Kit! Don't do it!" said Baloo.  
  
"WHy?! WHY NOT HE KILLED MARY SUE!!!"   
  
"Yes, but he...he is your brother!"  
  
"WHAT??"  
  
"Yes, he is your brother," said Becky. "Through a fantastic set of extrordinary circumstances you are brothers, even though it totally defies all known logic."  
  
"Well, I can't kill my brother I guess..." said Kit. Just then, Kit's twin brother showed up. He had been brothers with Mary Sue in her small farming town and had come to see her, only he had seen her die with everyone else! Everyone was excited and welcomed young Wesley Crusher Cloudkicker into their lives forever. He wore a blue sweater (just like Kit's...omg, I can hardly believe it either!)  
  
"But this means I have two brothers now...what do you have to say Karnage?" said Kit. Wesley looked at Karnage as well.  
  
"I think you are all stupid in blaming me, it wasn't my fault!"  
  
Just then Baloo farted and blew the earth off its gravitational axis. The weather patterns were immediately distorted enough to cause a horrible storm which lashed the city like a whip hitting laundry while it was drying as a mongoose tried to catch a cobra under a cloudless sky. The storm lashed and whipped and caused everyone to shake because the ground was splitting up and Karnage fell in the ocean! "Someone help him he can't swim!" someone said. So Baloo and Kit tried to save him but couldnt because a large rock fell from the hills because the hills were exploding, and fell on Karnage drowning him all over and it was the end for him.  
  
"Nooo I just found out he was my brother and I had decided not to kill him!" said Kit.   
  
"At least now it's all over," said Becky, as the rain died down.   
  
"Not so fast!" said a new voice. Everyone looked over to a handsome young dashing bear in a cape with glittering teeth and rich clothes and perfect hair that he had just combed that morning.   
  
"I am Rebecca's husband! My name is...Merry Stu."  
  
Kit took his gun and shot him and he fell down dead.  
  
"Who wants to get pizza?!" asked Baloo. And everyone wanted to so they went to the pizza shop and ordered pineapple and bell pepper and olive pizza with extra cheese, but with no meat, and Becky also had a Sprite.  
  
They all lived happily ever after because Wesley Crusher Cloudkicker got an inheritance check from Mary Sue's college fund and he and Kit got rich and had a really good time.  
  
  
Okay, The End!!!!! 


End file.
